Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Choose Your Own Giant Premiere

Our premiere scenario is a spy novel involving an attempted assassination.
We hope you can figure out the casting pool on your own.

The President:
Matt Cain.  Duh.

FBI Director:
Ryan Theriot. He would have to get a haircut first.

Head of the President's Security Detail:
Buster Posey. Because he doesn't know how to smile.

The One Who Takes the Bullet for the President:
Buster Posey or Pablo Sandoval (we have our own reasons for each one, you can expect the dissertation to be completed some time next year)

The One Who Discovers The Plot:
Javier Lopez. Was there any question about this?

The Undercover Operative:
Barry Zito. Self-explanatory.

The informant:
Gregor Blanco, aka The White Shark. Because he already has the most spylike nickname.

The Sniper:
Ryan Vogelsong or Angel Pagan. We argued over this. Pagan is only the sniper if he was fed false intel, because his first name would obviously shield him from evil. However, that last name is a problem we can't ignore. The other proposal is that Vogey is the evil mastermind. Come on, you know he could pull it off.

Henchman of The Evil Mastermind:
Hector Sanchez. We can't come up with a reason for this.

The Struggling Impressionable Youth Who Got Caught Up In The Plot:
Tim Lincecum. *sad face*

Friend of The Struggling Impressionable Youth Who Got Caught Up In The Plot:
Brandon Belt.

News anchor:
Nate Schierholtz.  Just because.

On location reporter:
Brandon Crawford. That is all.

The Children's Figure/Host Who Fills The Mr.Rodgers Role In This Tragedy:
Sergio Romo, AKA Uncle Sergio.  Because we think he would look good in a sweater. (that isn't the real reason...)

The Religious Figure/Chaplain Who Comforts the Country:
Jeremy Affeldt. Because we support positive stereotypes.

The Cowboy Agent Who Makes the Collar:
Madison Bumgarner. Because we support amusing stereotypes.

The Guy Sitting At Home Yelling At The News Coverage And Reaching For His Shotgun:
Bochy. Yes, we support gun control.

The Doctor/Surgeon Who Attends The President:
Aubrey Huff. Because he's a baritone, and if you have to be told that the President is going into surgery, it might as well be from a baritone. Right?

The Interrogator:
Brian Wilson's Beard. You're welcome.

So, leave us your thoughts. We love to argue.

PS - We spent way too much time trying to figure out how Melky Cabrera fits in here, so.....he's just The Melk Man.


  1. You have the Henchman of the Evil Mastermind, but not the Evil Mastermind himself? Is that Melky's role, maybe?

    1. Hi! Look back under "The Sniper." The Evil Mastermind is explained there. :)