Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Brush Up Your Shakespeare!

This post might not mean anything to you unless you are a musical theatre fan.  If you aren't, you should be. So go to iTunes and buy some showtunes.  You're welcome.

Alrighty, it's time for that classic favorite, Cast Your Team In Musical Theatre Roles! Please turn off all cellular devices.  The use of recording devices is strictly prohibited.  Thank you and enjoy the show!

The Phantom of the Opera:
Erik - Huff.  (She said I could choose Huff, so I chose Huff.) **Download "Music of the Night" by James Barbour**
Raoul -  Nady, for the simple reason that he's pretty and really, anyone is better than Patrick Wilson. **Download "All I Ask Of You" by anyone but Patrick Wilson**
Piangi - Sandoval.  I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. **Download "Overture" from the Royal Albert Hall recording**

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat:
Joseph - Belt, because he's cute and awkward. And because Belt hit that splash hit last night, which we know has nothing to do with being cast as Joseph, but we don't have to make sense, since this is our blog and we can do whatever we want, including writing run-on sentences.  So there!!  **Download "Close Every Door" or "Any Dream Will Do" by Donny Osmond.**  Yes, Donny Osmond! We are not ashamed!
Jacob - Flannery.  Imagine him with a wig and a beard.  Ooohhh, yeah. **Download "One More Angel In Heaven"**

The Scarlet Pimpernel:
Percy - Pence.  (I told her she could choose Pence, so she chose Pence) **Download "The Creation Of Man" or "Into The Fire"**
Chauvelin - Zito. We don't always have a reason. **Download "Where's The Girl"**
Armand - Pill.  Because this makes us happy. **Download "You Are My Home"**

Kiss Me, Kate:
Petruchio - Theriot, because it sorta rhymes. **Download "Where Is The Life That Late I Led" from the 2000 Broadway revival with Brian Stokes Mitchell**

My Fair Lady:
Higgins - I mean, seriously, how obvious is THIS!!!???? **Download "Why Can't The English"**
Colonel Pickering - Bochy. We think he needs to widen his horizons. **This character doesn't really sing, but download "You Did It" anyways.**
Freddy - Romo.  He makes us smile. That's what's up.  **Download "The Street Where You Live" by Harry Connick Jr.**

Curly - Hugh Jackman.  **Download "People Will Say We're In Love" from the 1998 Royal National Theatre revival**
Jud - MadBum.  You can send us nasty letters.  We'll read them.  *Download "Poor Jud is Daid"**

Any male role - Timmy. This really shouldn't need an explanation.  **Download the title song from the 2009 revival**

The Man of La Mancha:
Don Quixote - Scutaro.  We are linguistically profiling here, so don't get your panties in a knot.  **Download "The Impossible Dream" by James Barbour**
Sancho - Blanco. **Download "I Really Like Him"**

The Fiddler On The Roof:
Tevye - Mr.Jon Miller.  Move over, Topol!

Les Miserables:
Jean Valjean - Javier Lopez, because he's a good guy and would steal a loaf of bread for a starving child.  And because we just like him. **Download "Bring Him Home"**
Javert - Vogey.  We think he's susceptible to misplaced intensity.  **Download "Stars"**
Enjolras - Pagan, because he could be inspiring and fiery (she said that, not me). **Download "Red and Black Cafe"**
Marius - Crawford.  He has the hair for the Young Romantic Lead. **Download "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" by Michael Ball**
The Bishop of Digne - Affeldt.  It's called type casting and it works.  **Download "Prologue"**
Thenardier - Wilson.  That is all. **Download "Master of the House"**

And where does Buster Posey fit in this, you are probably wondering?
Why, he's the stage manager.  Duh.  And Cain is the director.  Bien sur!

And we, the two of us, will be playing ALL the females leads.  *cough*

NOTE - It's been brought to our attention that casting Hugh Jackman as Curly won't work because....uhm....he kind of isn't a Giant.  We think that's silly.  So we're sticking with Hugh Jackman.  Crawford can be his understudy.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Hey, could I get some peanuts over here?

In honor of Matt Cain's Perfect game and the vacation that was given to him by the G's to be enjoyed in the off season.....

The One Who Comes Up With The Idea For The Whole Team To Crash The Trip:
One of us said Hunter Pence, the other said Aubrey Huff.  We don't feel the need to explain these choices.

The One Who Protests At First, But Then Plans Out The Seating Arrangements, The Outing To Pearl Harbor, The Luau, And Other Importantish Things:
Buster Posey, obviously.

The One Who Agrees Immediately And Tells Buster To Lighten Up, Bro:
Brian Wilson.  *evil laughter*

The One Who Learns Hawaiian In Two Weeks In Order To Get The Most Out Of The Experience:
Javier Lopez, because we're nerds and we love him.

The One Who Almost Misses The Flight Because He's Signing Autographs And Taking Pics With Fans:
Jeremy Affeldt, because he's just nice and awesome like that.

The One Who Has To Take A Picture With The Pilot And Get Wings:
Brandon Belt, because he needs something to share with Brandon the Giraffe the next time he visits.

The One Who Entertains Matt's Mini-Me During The Flight:
One of us said MadBum, one said Timmy. We were trying to go outside the box on this one and then decided that having both of them do it would be hilarious to watch.  Come on, you know it would be.

The One Who Charms The Flight Attendant Into Getting Him Extra Pillows:
One of us said Theriot, in the spirit of the above mentioned thinking outside the box. But the other one isn't quite convinced.

The One Who Annoys Everyone Else By Asking For Their Peanuts:
Gregor Blanco.  Just because.

The One Who Is Excited About Getting A Lei When They Land:
Crawford. And no, there is no double entendre intended here.  Shame on you.

The One Who Sleeps Through The Entire Flight:
Melky Cabrera, because he's exhausted from successful contract negotiations with the G's.

The One Who Buys Cool Sunglasses For Everyone Before They Leave The Airport:
George Kontos, because we are shallow and we think he looks like the kind of guy who looks good in sunglasses.

The One Who Tells Everyone Else To Wear Sunscreen:
Ryan Vogelsong, because everyone would obey.

The One Who Rocks The Hawaiian Shorts:
Sergio Romo, who swiped them from his commercial for Luau Night at AT&T Park.

The One Who Hits The Beach First And Convinces Pablo Sandoval To Go Para Sailing:
Angel Pagan. "Oye, amigo, debe tratarlo..."

The One Who Swims With Dolphins:
Brett Pill.  See aforementioned shallow disclaimer.

The One Who Hulas At The Luau:
Hunter Pence, since he's new and trying too hard. Did we mention that Belt joins in? Because he does. Because that mental image will keep you laughing regardless of how this season ends. And because a gif of that would be all kinds of awesome.

The One Who Uploads The Pence/Belt Hula To Youtube And It Gets A Million Hits:
You'll never know. It's top secret. (but it was Zito)

The One Who Ends The Luau With A Rousing Rendition Of "Don't Stop Believing":
Everyone, because Together We're Giant


Friday, July 27, 2012

A bit of Orange Friday Frivolity

Scenario: State Fair Day with the G's! (to build team morale....)

The One Who Eats A Deep Fried Twinkie:
Pablo Sandoval

The One Who Goes Down The Giant Slide:
Brandon Crawford

The One Who Goes Crazy On The Water Bumper Cars:
Angel Pagan (you can see it in his eyes)

The One Who Takes A Picture With All Those Figures That You Put Your Head In (we have no idea what these are called)
Sergio Romo

The One Who Spends All His Time In The Livestock Area:
Madison Bumgarner

The One Who Can't Be Dragged Away From The Toy Helicopter Booth In The Vendor Halls:
Ryan Vogelsong

The One Who Spends A Thousand Dollars On Ring Toss To Win A Goldfish For His Wife:
Brandon Crawford (You know he would)

The One Who Sits Down At The Kids' Table In The Sun Maid Hall And Colors Pictures Of Fruit (this won't make sense unless you've been this year):
Brian Wilson or Jeremy Affeldt

The One Who Orchestrates The Group Pictures Next To The Pair Of Golden Bears By The Main Entrance:
Matt Cain

The One Who Is Putting Way Too Much Thought Into Choosing Between Brands of Jacuzzis:
Buster Posey

The One Who Keeps Returning To The Pretzel Dip Booth:
Joaquin Arias (We realized we hadn't chosen him for anything, and because who doesn't like free dip??)

The One Who Photobombs Strangers On Purpose:
Pablo Sandoval (with his fried twinkie), tag-teaming with Sergio Romo

The One Who Photobombs Strangers On Accident:
George Kontos (He just looks like that guy that's in all your pictures)

The One Who Thought Everyone Was Meeting At The West Gate When They Were Actually Meeting At The Center Stage:
Emmanuel Burriss

The One Who Sneaks Off To The Demolition Derby:
Melky Cabrera, Brandon Belt

The One Who Sneaks Off To The Rodeo:
Matt Cain, Madison Bumgarner

The One Who Throws Up On The Roller Coaster:
Pablo Sandoval (it was the deep fried Twinkie that did it)

The One Who Buys Too Many Souvenirs For His Kids:
Freddy Sanchez (because we miss him. Like, a lot.)

Aaaaaand, on to our favorite part of the Fair - Face Painting!
Yes, we are very aware that some of these are obvious.  Just go with it.
Sandoval: A panda
Belt: A baby giraffe
Blanco: Shark jaws
Cain: A work horse
Zito: A dragon
Vogelsong: The Japanese character for Courage or something as equally pretentious symbolic
Lopez: A book with the title written in Latin on the cover
Pagan: A white angel wing on one side of his face, a black angel wing on the other side
Melky: A milk bottle and a cap
Crawford: "I'm Not Stamos" or a pink balloon that says "It's A GIRL!"
Affeldt: A meat patty with a circle/slash *snicker*
Lincecum: A ganja plant
Bumgarner: As if he would ever get his face painted!
Bochy: A fishing boat
Buster: Catcher's gear
Huff: The rally thong
Theriot: Yeah, we got nothin'. We're open to ideas.
Schierholtz: A cannon or a Wells Fargo wagon
Romo: A smiling mouth with big goofy teeth or an arrow pointing up
Wilson: A beard. Oh, wait....
Flemming: The Stanford mascot
Kruk: A sad looking rib-eye on the bench
Kuip: "I'm With Him" pointing towards Kruk
Mr. Miller: "I'm The Best Broadcaster In The History Of The Game!"

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Choose Your Own Giant Premiere

Our premiere scenario is a spy novel involving an attempted assassination.
We hope you can figure out the casting pool on your own.

The President:
Matt Cain.  Duh.

FBI Director:
Ryan Theriot. He would have to get a haircut first.

Head of the President's Security Detail:
Buster Posey. Because he doesn't know how to smile.

The One Who Takes the Bullet for the President:
Buster Posey or Pablo Sandoval (we have our own reasons for each one, you can expect the dissertation to be completed some time next year)

The One Who Discovers The Plot:
Javier Lopez. Was there any question about this?

The Undercover Operative:
Barry Zito. Self-explanatory.

The informant:
Gregor Blanco, aka The White Shark. Because he already has the most spylike nickname.

The Sniper:
Ryan Vogelsong or Angel Pagan. We argued over this. Pagan is only the sniper if he was fed false intel, because his first name would obviously shield him from evil. However, that last name is a problem we can't ignore. The other proposal is that Vogey is the evil mastermind. Come on, you know he could pull it off.

Henchman of The Evil Mastermind:
Hector Sanchez. We can't come up with a reason for this.

The Struggling Impressionable Youth Who Got Caught Up In The Plot:
Tim Lincecum. *sad face*

Friend of The Struggling Impressionable Youth Who Got Caught Up In The Plot:
Brandon Belt.

News anchor:
Nate Schierholtz.  Just because.

On location reporter:
Brandon Crawford. That is all.

The Children's Figure/Host Who Fills The Mr.Rodgers Role In This Tragedy:
Sergio Romo, AKA Uncle Sergio.  Because we think he would look good in a sweater. (that isn't the real reason...)

The Religious Figure/Chaplain Who Comforts the Country:
Jeremy Affeldt. Because we support positive stereotypes.

The Cowboy Agent Who Makes the Collar:
Madison Bumgarner. Because we support amusing stereotypes.

The Guy Sitting At Home Yelling At The News Coverage And Reaching For His Shotgun:
Bochy. Yes, we support gun control.

The Doctor/Surgeon Who Attends The President:
Aubrey Huff. Because he's a baritone, and if you have to be told that the President is going into surgery, it might as well be from a baritone. Right?

The Interrogator:
Brian Wilson's Beard. You're welcome.

So, leave us your thoughts. We love to argue.

PS - We spent way too much time trying to figure out how Melky Cabrera fits in here, so.....he's just The Melk Man.

This blog is a display of Whimsy.  We're nice people.  We like to laugh.  Check back on Friday evenings for something new. :)